I Should have seen the red flags

I’m here staring at the ceiling, thinking to myself as I replay Andra Day’s red flags.

“I should have known I’d lose everything… I should have known red flags were warning me, now my soul drags behind my feet but I’ll be fine I guess. You meant no harm you say…”.

“Dear Lord, Is this really happening to me?”. I said to myself. It felt like Andra was there with me at that very moment. Like she had a preview of what I had been through in the last couple of months. Otherwise, why would she describe exactly how I was feeling? The lyrics of the song was overbearingly apt. (????‍♀️the song was written released in 2015).

If someone had told me that you and I would not be together, I would have argued with that person passionately. You were my everything. Every love song completely reminds me of you. At times, I feel like I’m going crazy because I perceive your fragrance everywhere I go. A few days ago, I nearly embarrassed myself because I called out for you, thinking you were the one I had seen.

I hate love right now. I hate love songs with everything in me. I hate them because I think of nobody other than you when I hear them. How long will I face this torture?

Who knows? Just maybe after pouring my heart out, I will be fine and move on with my life. At this moment, I know I’m stuck! I’m stuck in a dream I created for myself thinking, we would be together, happy forever. I have not been able to play our song on my phone, and whenever I hear it play somewhere else, I usually can’t wait to tell someone it was our song.

It’s funny how I am the one that uses words to express myself, and when we were together, you did it better than I could. I would wake up some mornings to a beautifully written email from you, telling me how much you adored me. I hadn’t gotten that before and it indeed made me feel special.

I’m not going to deny that I adored you too. I’m not also going to deny the fact that you were a beast to me when you wanted to be. You had your ways of manipulating everyone around me and having them on your side. There is a certain charm to you, and time after time, you have found ways of using it to your advantage.

Now when I think about it, I understand why you always said to me, “I can make whoever I want, like me”. I’m not saying I am blameless here, but a part of you knows I meant no harm. I’m far from blameless. Yes! I found it hard to forgive or let go of things. Yes! I got tired of the ‘I am sorrys’ and needed to understand the reasons why you did the things you did.

You seemed not to understand why the numerous ‘I am sorrys’ never quite won me over. In fact, all it ever did was compound the situation. I am not the type of girl that needs to be spoon-fed with soothing words. I needed answers. Answers you were not willing to give. Why do you think I write? I write to answer things that are hard to explain, so apologies for not being the kind of person you wanted.

I’m not sure you are going to read this, and quite honestly, I would be relieved if you didn’t. In case you see this, you need to know you did a number on me. Today, I went through the relationship contract you made me sign and I smiled! I smiled because love can be so sweet and sour at the same time. You did not only breach the contract,  you made me second guess myself every minute and every day.

The other day we spoke on the phone and it felt so awkward. Like we were strangers. How do people get here? Remember how you picked other people over me? Yet, I kept picking you. You complained that I always misjudged you yet, you knew I wasn’t wrong every time I called you out.

Never in my life have I seen someone complain about being given full disclosure. I’m not ashamed to say I’m a full-disclosure kind of person. I let you understand what you are getting yourself into so, at the end of the day, you wouldn’t say I didn’t tell you. When we first met, you were the one clamouring for openness and sincerity. I wasn’t all about that lifestyle yet, I obliged.

I can’t believe how blinded I was to love that I couldn’t see the reason behind your actions. You wanted openness, only when it favoured you and, you didn’t want me to question why the truth wasn’t timely, from your end. Can you remember our last conversation on WhatsApp? I think that was the sincerest you have ever been with me.

I wouldn’t want to say so much, but writing about this has been so liberating for me. I’m forced to remember yet another song by Andra. In the song, she talks about not being perfect and how they say the higher you climb, the further you fall when you take the dive but, she agrees it’s comatose, and she can’t live that close. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t live my life worried about what could go wrong, and so here I am, still believing in love. Indeed, living one’s life in fear of love is comatose. Thus, I have learnt my lesson but I’ll give it another try. This is me saying cheers to love and the beautiful things that come along with it.

This article was inspired by my love for Andra Day, and of course, my once-upon-a-time love story.

I alluded to 3 masterpieces from Andra Day’s Cheers to the Fall Album.

1. Redflags.
2. Cheers to the fall.
3. Rearview.