The Real Reason We Stay Silent and What It’s Doing to Our Relationships

My toxic trait?

I wait too long to tell people how I really feel.

It’s not that I don’t feel deeply. I do. But the idea of saying, “Hey, that thing you did made me feel off,” makes me uneasy. I don’t want to stir the pot, make things awkward, or cause tension. So instead, I sit with it. I convince myself it’s not worth bringing up. I distract myself. I bury it. I tell myself I’m being too sensitive. I just want peace, even if that means carrying the discomfort by myself.

But here’s the truth:
I end up avoiding the person anyway. I pull back. I become distant or passive. The energy shifts. And by the time I finally bring it up, it’s not just about the original issue anymore. Now there’s frustration, resentment, and emotional weight tied to it. The way I say it? It comes out sharp or heavy. The other person is caught off guard. And then I regret not having said something sooner.

It becomes a cycle:

• Something bothers me
• I say nothing to avoid making things weird
• I suppress or withdraw
• Eventually, I speak up, but it comes out messy

Why We Do This

If you see yourself in this, you are not alone.
Most of the time, we are not being manipulative or difficult. We are just trying to protect ourselves. We avoid hard conversations because:

• We are afraid of being misunderstood
• We don’t want to seem dramatic or too emotional
• We value the relationship and don’t want to risk it
• We never learned how to express feelings in a healthy way

But avoiding what’s uncomfortable doesn’t bring peace. In the long run, it often creates the exact tension we were trying to avoid.

Related Read: Why Soft People Often Carry the Heaviest Loads

What Happens When You Bottle It Up

Feelings don’t disappear just because you ignore them.
They build quietly. And eventually, they show up in other ways, through sarcasm, withdrawal, snarky remarks, or emotional outbursts that feel bigger than the moment.

That small discomfort can turn into:

1. A lingering grudge
2. An awkward or strained relationship
3. A conversation that now feels emotionally loaded

By the time you finally talk about it, it’s no longer just a moment. It’s a mess

A Kinder Way Forward

If this feels familiar, I want you to know something.
You’re not broken. You’re just trying to protect your peace in a way that ends up costing you more of it.

Here is what I’m learning to do differently:

1. Speak Up Sooner

You don’t need the perfect words. Just say something like:

The earlier you say something, the easier it is to stay grounded and clear.

2. Let It Be Uncomfortable

Not every conversation will feel smooth. Some will feel weird or awkward. That’s okay. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It usually means you’re doing something important

3. Vent Somewhere Safe First

Write it out. Record a voice note. Talk to someone you trust who isn’t involved. Give yourself space to sort through the emotion so when you do speak, it comes from calm rather than a buildup.

🎧 Listen: Dr. Alexandra Solomon on Inviting a reluctant partner “into the work”

4. See It as Care, Not Conflict

This isn’t about calling someone out. It’s about keeping the connection clear. You’re saying, “I care about us enough to be honest.” You’re creating space for growth instead of letting resentment grow in silence.

What I am learning

Avoiding the hard stuff can feel like you are protecting the peace. But over time, it chips away at your connection, both with others and with yourself.

You deserve relationships where honesty doesn’t cost you closeness.
You deserve to speak up before your feelings turn sharp or heavy.

Say it when it’s still soft.
Say it while it’s still small. Speak early. Speak kindly.
You are not ruining anything by being honest. You are giving it a chance to stay whole.