My Dalliance With Pressure.
I haven’t been able to write anything lately or should I say I haven’t been able to write from the heart for weeks now. I want to be able to write and express how I truly feel without feeling some kind of way or thinking about how valuable the content I’m putting out here is. I have this habit of overthinking things. I am also constantly aware of the fact that I must bring my A-game to whatever I do.
This shouldn’t be confused with writer’s block. This is just me falling into one hole that I have been avoiding; having blocked off my emotions and the things I feel psychologically. This is me not having a plan as to how I want this piece to be perceived. This is me doing something about my sudden mood swings by just writing. It is me deciding to write without having a particular topic in mind or thinking if someone would find this piece interesting or not. This me as a writer putting my needs first, my needs to just get someone out there to read some of my not-so-fine thoughts.
I just want to be free to put out whatever I choose without having to worry whether it’s going to bring a lot of traffic or not. I never really knew how difficult it was to express myself from the heart especially knowing that my thoughts would be out in the public for people to scrutinise or play God amidst other things. Most writings I put out here are sort of void of any true innate feeling. It’s funny because I’m usually a very expressive person.
I feel somewhat like a hypocrite. This is me, a preacher of the essence of vulnerability. I constantly talk about the goodness in being vulnerable when the truth is, I am scared as anyone else when vulnerability is concerned.
Lately, I have been having some mood swings and I have had to battle with some inner demon that I really can’t explain or pen down. I have had friends here and there complain about me not putting as much effort into our friendship as they do. I have had people complain of how distant I could be. The thing is, in my heart I always feel like I’m really doing my best to cope with the issues at hand. I honestly do feel like I’m a good person who is constantly misunderstood. In friendships, I give my best unconditionally, but once the other person messes up it’s like I just create a wall between us. This has been my way of protecting myself from feeling hurt or pain. Is it the right way? Of course not! But it has been my coping mechanism to finding peace.
Let me explain how it works; So once this wall has been erected, the other person either thinks I am being unforgiving or I have moved on from them. This naturally leads them to question if our friendship was real from the get-go.
I guess the above phenomenon I’m trying to explain makes me understand and appreciate Eminem’s song titled “The way I am”. In the song, he talks about depression and his childhood experiences. When talking about Proof’s death, he claimed he had days when he couldn’t talk, let alone write a rhyme. It’s somewhat like the feeling when one is drowning in the deep part of an ocean and one finds it so hard to breathe. You think to yourself “ I know I can swim and I’m probably the best swimmer but this wave is too strong for the strength I have right now”.
Dealing with grief has been a huge part of my life. If anything in the universe worked as it ought to, maybe, just maybe I would still have those that I have lost. I don’t think I am a strong person at all as most people say I am. I feel too much, I’m extra sensitive about things, I’m extra reactive about even the things I could and should let go of. I love too deeply; I give too much. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to change things and bring back those that I have lost.
I’m constantly asking if I could do things any better and so some days life is just bland. I walk past things that would ordinarily excite me and they don’t make me feel anything. I Keep my eyes still, hoping maybe it would raise something in me that would remind my soul of how I used to feel sometime in the past. A man once said, “I have known my friends for over 20years and I know everything there is to know about them but they do not innately know a single thing about me”. When I heard him say this, I UNDERSTOOD HIM!!!
How well do we really know those around us? Everyone is constantly using that term “friend” when they don’t truly understand it. Most times we are discouraged from really showing our true self. Even when we are not discouraged, we just know that we wouldn’t really be accepted when some certain things are known about us. We try every day to make sense of it, that “difference” that mustn’t be shown to the world. They say “be yourself” yet they distance themselves when you express who you are. The irony!
We are often told not to gear towards our animalistic impulses for the good of the society. The ones that feel LOVE feel the desperate need to prove it’s genuity. The ones that don’t want to put label to things are made to feel like they are missing out on something. Last year (2020) was so hard and tough and it changed my view on certain things.
Some months ago, I began to remember some things (hence my article on repressed memories), of the not-so-worthy event that had happened to me in the past. I felt this rage take over me. I wasn’t sleeping well enough; I had stopped thinking clearly. For a while, I pondered on whether or not I should write about what had happened. To just put it out there and expose those involved. It would have been my way of healing, my hope at revenge, and probably a way to encourage others in similar situations. However, I was advised not to do this. And YES! They were right! It really wouldn’t have made any difference because of the kind of society we find ourselves. For a short while, it would be gist-worthy and puff! It would become stale. We always want people to let out their true self yet, when they do that we easily tune into this judgemental side of us.
Having penned this down, it feels so incomplete. You know that feeling a writer gets when they know the plot is incomplete and the story isn’t quite finished. Oh well! It could just be my writer’s instinct coming to play. However, I must pause here and leave you with this; choose the way you want to live. A kind of life where you don’t have to feel guilty of doing some certain thing. Where you don’t have to feel some kind of way because of some standards that has been created by mere mortals… Not everyone will get you and it will hurt really bad. However, it is important not to walk away from things that truly make you happy. If you did read this article to the end, I’m flattered and I hope you got to understand the message embedded in every sentence of this writeup.
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